Saturday, February 05, 2005
On this day:


Most persons don’t realize this, but the common, or popular, view of love involves an element of receiving something. “I love chocolate” really means that “I enjoy getting the experience of the taste of chocolate.” Similarly, “I love you” commonly implies “I enjoy touching your body,” or “I enjoy believing that you will give me security or protection,” or “I enjoy having sex with you” (or “I want to have sex with you.”
Some people skip from one lover to another over the surface of existential pain, like a stone skipping over water. As long as they stay above the surface they’re perfectly happy; but when an affair ends, and they come crashing down, they’re desperate for the next leap, sometimes searching for a new lover even at the funeral for the old one. Yet sooner or later the stone loses vitality, and with a final splunk falls into the depths of tribulation.
As shocking as it might sound, most of us who claim to be “giving” or “loving” are not giving selflessly. Instead, we are addressing a covert psychological desire to avoid being abandoned. Sad to say, the apparent generosity of common love is more an act of bribery than of real love.
Most men who give flowers to women, for example, are either saying, “I want to have sex with you,” or they are trying to satisfy the woman’s demand for a gift—and avoid her anger if the gift is forgotten—on a birthday or anniversary. And many parents who give excessive money or gifts to children or grandchildren are unconsciously trying to buy allegiance and favor. Unable to accept and understand the child’s deepest emotional experiences, the parent will offer an easily procurable gift to make the child feel happy. And the child, unable to consciously express the covert cover-up occurring under his or her very nose, will accept the gift under the assumption that “this must be love.”


Blogger Dane said...

Very insightfull. I totally agree with what you were saying. I like the skipping the rock on the pond analogy.

9:46 AM  

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