Tuesday, December 28, 2004
On this day:

The Walk Home Drunk Game

The Falldown Game

The Pool Game

The Bloody Penguin Game

The Invisibility Game

The Comboling Game

The Code

1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually marry her.

2. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.

3. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.

4. A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw".

5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out "bullshit!". (exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)

6. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

8. Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.

9. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case.

10. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he's trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.

11. Do not torpedo single friends.

12. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

13. Before dating a buddy's ex you are required to ask his permission. If he grants it, he is however allowed to say, "man, your gonna love the way she licks your balls"

14. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.

15. If a mans zipper is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything!

16. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your best friends birthday is optional)

17. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriends cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

18. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies girlfriends with in 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pal's boyfriends- low level sports bonding is all the law requires.

19. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.

20. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

21. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.

22. Only in a situation of mortal danger or ass peril are you permitted to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.

23. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. This includes men who aren't wearing shirts. If your buddy is outnumbered outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: if during the past 24 hours your friends actions have caused you to think "what this guy needs is a good ass wuppin", in which case you may refrain from getting involved and stand back and enjoy.

24. Friends don’t let friends wear speedos. Ever. Case closed.

25. Fives must be called at all times when getting out of your seat. If not, your seat is up for grabs. However, "house rules" may come into effect, in which case it is left up to the owner of the seat.

26. Shotgun can be called on anything where a shotgun applies., as long as you are in eyesight of the object, or it is at a reasonable time.

27. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes- as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.

28. If you ever compliment a guy's six pack, you better be talking about his choice of beverage.

29. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours, unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.

30. Phrases that may never be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"Come on, give me one more, harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers"
"Nice ass! Are you a Sagittarius?"

31. Never hesitate to reach for the last beverage or pizza, but not both. That’s just mean.

32. Never talk to another man in the bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line for all other situations an "I recognize you" nod will do just fine.

33. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch nearby, hang up if necessary.

34. You can not rat out a friend who show's up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way up so he thinks its broken, or have him paged every seven minutes.

35. If you catch your girl messing around with your best friend, let your states crime of passion laws be your guide.

36. If your buddy is trying to hook up with a girl, you may sabotage him only in a manor that gives you no chances of getting any either.

37. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he can get up on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "fuck off" then you are absolved from all responsibility. Later on it is ok that you have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about.

38. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly "just a friend", go at it, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.

39. If a buddy has lint, an eyelash, or any other foreign object on his hair or face, under no circumstances are you permitted to remove it. However an appropriate hand gesture may be made to make him aware of it.

40. An anniversary is recognized on a yearly basis, under no circumstances will anything be celebrated in an interval other than a year

41. When using a urinal in a public restroom, a buffer zone of at least one urinal will exist at all times. If the only empty urinal is directly next to an occupied on, then you are still required to wait. (Exception: at a sporting event where a line has formed to use the pisser)

42. When coming to a room which you know is occupied by your friend and possibly another girl, you must knock and wait for an adequate response. If no response occurs, and the door is locked, a 10 minute period is required before knocking again.

43. The only time dicking over a buddy for a girl is legal, is when the girl ranks a 8 or above on the 1-10 scale. (exception: a girl may rank from 5-7, as long as there is oral sex involved).

44. A mans gotta scratch what a mans gotta scratch. This applies to picking as well. Let the man be.

45. No man shall ever watch any of the following programs on TV:
Figure skating
Men's gymnastics
Any sport involving women (unless viewed for sexual purposes)

46. If you accidentally touch or brush against any part of another man below the waist, it is an understood accident, and NO apologies or any reference to the occurrence is necessary.

47. No man shall spend more than 2 minutes in front of a mirror. If more time is required, a three minute waiting period must be allowed before returning to the mirror.

48. Any dispute lasting any longer than 3 minutes will and must be settled by rock, paper, scissors. There is no argument too important for this determining method.

49. No man will ever willingly watch a movie in which the main theme is dancing, and if a man shall happen to view such a movie it is only acceptable if its with a girlfriend.

50. Only acceptable time when a man is allowed to cry:
when a heroic dog dies to save his master.
after being struck in the testicles with anything moving fast than 7 mph.
When your date is using her teeth.
The day Anna Kornikova chooses a husband.

51. If a bet is made, and the challenge is completed, then the bettor may recoup his money by immediately completing a more daring challenge. If he refuses the challenge or chooses not to propose one, then and only then, must the money be paid.

52. Masturbate often. (exception: if your roommate is due back within the hour)

53. If a hot girl shall happen to pass by while you are in an arms reach of your buddy, you must, and will, tap him on the shoulder to make him aware of the babe.

54. A man's shoes may not intentionally match any other article of clothing on his body.

55. No comment shall ever be made to a man about how much he is sweating. In fact, there is no need bring notice to any body part which he may be sweating from.

56. No man shall ever allow anyone to speak ill of The Simpsons or any Rocky movie. (Exception: Rocky V)

57. You have not made any mistake if you find that there are extra pieces after reassembling or assembling an object. In fact, you have just found a way to make that object more efficient.

58. There are is never an occasion in which any shirt without buttons may be tucked in. (Exception: when you are participating in a organized sporting event)

59. Unless you are under the age of 11 or wearing a bathing suit,, DON’T wear whitey tighty's. It still escapes all reasoning as to why they even make them in adult sizes.

60. Any object thrown with reasonable speed and accuracy, MUST be caught.

61. No man shall ever keep track of, or count, the amount of beers he has had in a night.

62. Under no circumstances may two non-related men share a bed or anything which can be perceived as a mattress.

63. In an empty room, car, ect., a man can not ask another man if he is mad because he isn’t talking.

64. If you jiggle more than twice, your playing with it.

65. A man shall never help another man apply sun tan oil.

66. The guy who wants something the most is responsible for getting it.

67. If your friend says "Lick my nuts" as a way to put you down, don't try to be funny by saying "OK" and moving your head towards his crotch, two homosexual references in a row are just plain scary...

68. If you say ouch, you are a pussy!

69. It is the God given duty of every man to assist any other man that may be in need of assistance in obtaining every guys dream (threesome with two girls)

* with every set of laws, there are appropriate punishments. If any man shall happen to break any one of these codes, he will be found guilty, and will, for 24 hours from the time of the violation, be considered NOT A MAN. During this time he will not be referred to in any masculine way, and he shall bear the name Princess.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004
On this day:


Tuesday, December 21, 2004
On this day:


The ancient Chinese philosophy you agree with most, is Legalism-You believe in a very strong government. No one else is going to get things done, right? Efficiency is incredibly important to your mindset, and you think that strictness is the key to this. If someone does well, they deserve reward. More importantly, if someone messes up, they need ruthless punishment. Basically, you believe the ends justify the means.


The Death Test
According to our research, you'll be dead by
January 2060
at age 83
- probable cause -
heart attack
YOU DIE: 82.8 years
As you can plainly see, you have more health & vitality than the average man.
56% heart attack
24% car accident
13% overdose
5% drowning of the lungs
2% wounds
You have 20147.9 days left on this earth.
You've already lived 33% of your life.
Across all 18445 test takers.
22% smoke.
57% have health insurance.
6% are fat.
52% hold in farts.
18% are impressed with themselves.
The top cause of death among relatives was cancer.
The most widely suffered ailment among takers is high blood pressure.
The average day for an OkCupid user involves 7.8 hours of sleep and 1.1 movements of the bowel.

Sunday, December 19, 2004
On this day:

Carrie and I in Fern Caynon Posted by Hello

Wednesday, December 15, 2004
On this day:

27 Years Old

You said your birthday is 4 / 22 / 1977
which means you are 27 years old and about:

60 years 6 months younger than Walter Cronkite, age 88
56 years 11 months younger than Pope John Paul II, age 84
52 years 10 months younger than George Herbert Bush, age 80
45 years 7 months younger than Barbara Walters, age 73
43 years 5 months younger than Larry King, age 71
37 years 2 months younger than Ted Koppel, age 64
33 years 10 months younger than Geraldo Rivera, age 61
30 years 10 months younger than George W. Bush, age 58
25 years 9 months younger than Jesse Ventura, age 53
21 years 6 months younger than Bill Gates, age 49
16 years 8 months younger than Cal Ripken Jr., age 44
10 years 10 months younger than Mike Tyson, age 38
6 years 9 months younger than Jennifer Lopez, age 34
1 year 4 months younger than Tiger Woods, age 28
5 years 2 months older than Prince William, age 22

and that you were:

24 years old at the time of the 9-11 attack on America
22 years old on the first day of Y2K
20 years old when Princess Diana was killed in a car crash
17 years old at the time of Oklahoma City bombing
17 years old when O. J. Simpson was charged with murder
15 years old at the time of the 93 bombing of the World Trade Center
13 years old when Operation Desert Storm began
12 years old during the fall of the Berlin Wall
8 years old when the space shuttle Challenger exploded
6 years old when Apple introduced the Macintosh
6 years old during Sally Ride's travel in space
3 years old when Pres. Reagan was shot by John Hinckley, Jr.
2 years old at the time the Iran hostage crisis began

Tuesday, December 14, 2004
On this day:

Shut Up !!!

Thursday, December 09, 2004
On this day:

Little Red Monkey

Me and Carrie  Posted by Hello

Wednesday, December 08, 2004
On this day:

Carrie and I  Posted by Hello

Sunday, December 05, 2004
On this day:

Schitt Happens

Saturday, December 04, 2004
On this day:

Whats it all About?

Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at 900 miles an hour,
That's orbiting at 19 miles a second, so it's reckoned,
A sun that is the source of all our power.
The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see,
Are moving at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm, at 40,000 miles an hour,
Of the galaxy we call the Milky Way.

Our galaxy itself contains 100 billion stars
It's 100,000 light years side to side.
It bulges in the middle, 16,000 light years thick
But out by us its just 3,000 light years wide
We're 30,000 light years from galactic central point,
We go round every 200 million years
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding Universe.

The Universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whiz
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light you know,
12 million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember when you're feeling very small and insecure
How amazingly unlikely is your birth
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space
Because there' bugger all down here on earth.

The Meaning of Life

Why are we here, what is life all about?
Is God really real, or is there some doubt?
Well tonight we're going to sort it all out,
For tonight it's the Meaning of Life.

What's the point of all these hoax?
Is it the chicken and egg time, are we all just yolks?
Or perhaps, we're just one of God's little jokes,
Well ca c'est the Meaning of Life.

Is life just a game where we make up the rules
While we're searching for something to say
Or are we just simple spiraling coils
Of self-replicating DNA?

What is life? What is our fate?
Is there Heaven and Hell? Do we reincarnate?
Is mankind evolving or is it too late?
Well tonight here's the Meaning of Life.

For millions this life is a sad vale of tears
Sitting round with really nothing to say
While scientists say we're just simply spiraling coils
Of self-replicating DNA.

So just why, why are we here?
And just what, what, what, what do we fear?
Well ce soir, for a change, it will all be made clear,
For this is the Meaning of Life - c'est le sens de la vie -
This is the Meaning of Life.

Friday, December 03, 2004
On this day:

Muahahaha Posted by Hello

Come to the Dark Side Posted by Hello

yin-yang Posted by Hello

Mary Moon

I've got a New Age girl (tell us what she's like)
Environmentalist girl (does she ride a bike)
She has a crystal necklace (does she spend a lot of cash)
Though her vibes are rather reckless (she's heading for a crash)

Oh her flowing skirt is blowing in a transcendental wind
And she wonders without knowing where did we begin

Mary Moon, she's a vegetarian
Mary Moon, Mary Moon, Mary Moon
Mary Moon will outlive all the septaugenarians
(Mary Moon, Mary Moon, Mary Moon)
Oh she loves me so, she hates to be alone
She don't eat meat but she sure like the bone

You know, she drives wind car (how does she like it)
It doesn't get her far (why she doesn't bike it)
But it gets her to where she's going
I don't know, I don't know where that is
I wish I knew
I don't know where she's going and I don't know where she's been
All I know that lovin' her has got to be a sin

Mary Moon, she's a vegetarian
(Mary Moon, Mary Moon, Mary Moon)
Mary Moo will outlive all the septaugenarians
(Mary Moon, Mary Moon, Mary Moon)
Oh she loves me so, she hates to be alone
She don't eat meat but she sure like the bone

Mary Moon, will you hesitate
Don't segregate your thoughts from your emotions
(Mary Moon)
I know devotion isn't way up high

Mary Moon, she's a vegetarian
(Mary Moon, Mary Moon, Mary Moon)
Mary Moon will outlive all the septaugenarians
(Mary Moon, Mary Moon, Mary Moon)
Mary Moon, she's an intellectual
(Mary Moon, Mary Moon, Mary Moon)
Mary Moon despite that fact remains quite sexual
(Mary Moon, Mary Moon, Mary Moon)

Mary Moon (Mary Moon, Mary Moon, Mary Moon)
Oh, Mary Moon (Mary Moon, Mary Moon, Mary Moon)
Mary Moon (Mary Moon, Mary Moon, Mary Moon)

She's the one for me, me oh (Mary Moon, Mary Moon)

Thursday, December 02, 2004
On this day:

Which Pulp Fiction Character Are You

What Pulp Fiction Character Are You?

Your name alone strikes fear into others; but maybe, just maybe, there's a little vulnerability and weakness beneath that stoic, fierce exterior of yours.

Take the What Pulp Fiction Character Are You? quiz.


Dearest Lowe's:
I have been a customer of your fine hardware stores for quite some time now. I have, with very few exceptions, been very pleased with the customer service I have received over the past few years. That is, until I decided to shop at your store today, when apparently the insane asylum was being run by the inmates. Scratch that... it was being run by the people too stupid to be locked up in an insane asylum... the kinda people that you make man the phones at the 1-800-cool-whip hotline.

I went to your store to find something specific that I saw on your website. I browsed the aisles, as I usually do, to no avail. I'm very tool saavy, and I'm a frequent customer... I know my way around a hardware store like my cousin Jimmy knows his way around the seedy adult bookstore around the corner from his shanty. However, on this occassion, I can't find what I'm looking for. So... I grab the nearest employee, and apparently I bugged him because he looked down at me with his one good eye in disgust. Seriously friend, if you're going to work in a customer service related job, buy a patch for that puppy. It would make us all feel much better about shopping in your section. Plus, you could make a whole pirate themed game out of it... approach customers and ask them "Arrrrrr ya gonna be needin' any assistance, ya landlubber?". But I digress.

Anywho, Long John Simpleton gives me the standard "If we had it, it'd be here" line. Classic. Big help. He then asks me if I wrote down the item number when I saw on your website. I told him that I had not, and asked if they had internet access at the store so I could show him the item. "Internet, ya skallywag. What be the internet?" he replied. Ok, maybe not quite like that, but that's how it sounded in my head. I checked my watch...yeah, still 2004. I can sit in my car at work late at night and jump on the web while sitting outside the local Starbucks. My buddy can get porn sent directly to his cell phone. I once saw a guy get a computer to launch nuclear weapons against another country... but then he taught it to play tic-tac-toe, and all was well with the world. What I'm getting at here is that you'd think that somewhere in a store full of teenage employees, there was a way to get online and check out the stores website. Apparently not though, and I left the store with my head hung low.

You'd think that'd be the end of my tale, but I was optimisic enough... no, wait, sadistic enough, to return only a few hours later.

So I go home, slightly discouraged at not being able to find the item I was looking for. I started browsing your website again, and I found the item number for what I was searching for. I called your store, and I asked if you'd be able to tell me if you had any of the item in stock. "Well, we seem to have 7 of these items in stock," your helpful clerk replied. Against my better judgement, I returned to the store to look again. This time, however, I took a printout of the item with me. I was hoping that I could hand a picture of the item to one of your patients...sorry...employees, and they would be able to find the item. My friend's three year old can accomplish this feat everytime he opens a Highlights magazine.

I walk into the store and I meet Bill. Bill was actually very helpful, albiet unsuccessful. Bill checked in all the same places that I had checked before, but then Bill -insert heavenly music here- grabbed a rolling ladder. Ah yes... the taboo rolling ladder. The magical device that you forbid customers from using for fear that one of the mouth breathers will pull a Greg Louganis and inherit three of your fine stores. So... Bill climbs the ladders and starts to check the upstock area for my item. Cue mouth-breathing customer in 3... 2... 1... and here she comes... a customer with what we refer to in my line of work as a "DFQ", a dumb fuckin' question. Of course, she doesn't wait for Bill to climb down from the ladder... no, she starts pulling on his pantleg like a toddler that suddenly feels the need to poop. "What's the difference between the pointy pliers and this pair?", she asks, while waving a pair of wire cutters in the air. Bill looks down at her from the ladder with the same mixture of disgust, confusion, and disbelief that I had on my face. Bill looks at me, then looks back at her. "I'll handle this, you keep looking," I told Bill. Suddenly, I'm fielding questions from all sorts of retards while Bill is helping me search for the holy grail. "What can I put on the pliers so that it's softer when I grab things?". "Where do you guys keep those bags that you can put on buckets so that you can put tools on them?" "Are these all the gloves that you guys have?" (To which I replied "Arrrrrgh, if we had it, it'd be there, matey")

After a search that lasted longer than I had expected one of your employee's attention spans to last, Bill climbed down the ladder, defeated. I just wanted to give the guy a big hug. After all, he had tried his best. It wasn't Bill's fault that some horny teenager that makes $8.00 an hour working overnight stocking shelves decided to hide this item like it were his bong and mom and dad were knocking his bedroom door. Bill did the best Bill could do with what information he had. He even looked it up in the computer again to make sure that the information that I had were correct. The computer still taunted us with that "7". It also told us the exact date that the items were received into inventory, and the date that the last one was sold. What the computer was unable to tell us, however, is where in the hell the item could be.

With my hostility rising, I decide to pull a manager into this battle. I'm not the kinda person that goes and grabs a manager everytime things don't go my way. I'm usually very patient and understanding. However, I have now spent a total of almost an hour over two trips to your fine store searching for this thing, and I wasn't about to give up.

I find my way over the the customer service desk, and there is one woman who is working behind the massive counter. She's at the register at the side of the desk checking out customers, so I stand in front of the desk, waiting for someone to help. She turns in my direction and says "There's just one line, sir.". I try to explain to her that I just have a question, but before I can even finish the word "question", she's squawked out another "There's just one line." So now I have to stand in back of three people each with a bajillion items just to ask to speak to a manager. Here's the kicker.... while she's checking people out, she's answering the phone too. So, me, being the smartass that I am... I pull out my cellphone and start to dial the store. The phone rings and rings and rings... and now she won't answer the freakin' phone. So now I'm boiling.

I finally get to the front of the line, and by now there are people behind me. I tell the friendly inmate that I'd like to speak to a manager. She asks what my problem is, but by this point I really don't feel like going through the story again. She tells me that "all the managers are in a meeting". So now I'm picturing something out of an Austin Powers movie where all the evil super geniuses are sitting around a conference table and coming up with new ways to bend customers over the checkout. "Hey, let's start by opening and closing the store at different times everyday". "I've got an idea, lets start having random fire drills." "How about one day we all leave our red aprons at home and just wonder the aisles aimlessly?"

Since there were no managers available, I ask to speak to a supervisor. "A supervisor?", she replies. "Have you talked to Anne?", she continues.
"No, I haven't talked to Anne.", I tell her.
"Ok, because I'm not sure if Anne is here today.", she adds. "What seems to be the problem." What the hell?
"The problem is, I want to speak to a manager or a supervisor, but there doesn't seem to be anyone worthy of holding that position in this store." So now I relay to her the epic that is my search for the holy grail.
"Ok, hold on one second.", she says. She then picks up the phone and CALLS BILL. I then watch as she begins to talk about me like I'm not standing there in front of her, just seconds from flying into a homicidal rage.
"Yeah, Bill. Did you talk to this guy who's looking for this part or something...". Aaaaargh! I can feel that the people in line behind me are sharing in my frustration.

Enter Rick. Rick gets called over to either assist me, or to hold me down if I suddenly start throwing color chips around the store like they were ninja stars...I'm honestly not sure. I ask Rick if he's a manager. Rick tells me that he works in hardware. Ok, let's take a small break from the story to examine just exactly how stupid this move is on your part, Lowe's. Not only did I not get to speak to someone who makes an extra buck and a quarter an hour by having to deal with people such as myself, now I get a guy who doesn't even work in the department that the friggin' tool I need should be in. This is like me calling my neighbor and telling her "Hey, I lost my car keys somewhere in my house. Come over here and find them for me." And what is Rick's first move. RICK CALLS BILL. At this point I just want to walk over and put Bill in some kind of a protective cocoon. I can tell that Bill's temper is raising too. At least I know that if I start heading for the paint chips, Bill's gonna have my back.

Rick searches for the part for all of about five minutes, then gives me the "Ya know, this isn't even my section." line. My right eye begins to twitch as I walk back over to the customer service desk. This time, at least, there is no line. There are three other people with eye twitches that are hovering around the counter though. One of your inmates looks at me and says "Still can't find it, huh". It is at this point that I take a deep breath, try to calm myself down, and say "Find. Manager. Now."

Enter Anne. Anne starts off with "What seems to be the problem?" I, as calmly as I can muster, start to tell Anne the problem. I tell Anne about the taunting "7" on the screen, about Long John Simpleton, about my secret love affair for Bill, about the bong hiding stock boys... everything. Anne says "Let me see what I can do for you", and flashes me a smile. Suddenly, my rage is starting to subside. Finally, someone in a position of authority that can actually assist me. Anne picks up the phone, and after dialing a few numbers, I hear. "Yeah, is this Bill?"

Anne smiles at me, and I can only guess that the smile is because she is confusing the involuntary eye twich of a man about to snap with the winking of a man about to ask her to dinner. After hanging up the phone, she starts to insult Bill, telling me that if anyone would know where the item is, it would be Bill. I quickly come to Bill's defense, and I launch into this rant about how I agree with her 100% about how Bill should know where this item is, but that your management hasn't provided Bill with the resourses necessary to find this part. I have a semi-retarded cousin that can find Waldo every friggin time, but your cast of misfits can't find something that there are allegedly seven of.

"I can call one of the other stores and see if they have any in stock.", she suggests. I cock my head to the side and said "I called your store, and you have seven in stock. And Anne, so far that isn't working out all that well for me." She smiles again and says "Well, John isn't working today, but I can take your phone number and have him call you tomorrow." Ok, I have to admit... this one threw me off guard enough that for the first time in an hour I actually smiled. Who the fuck is John, and why would a phone call from him tomorrow possibly help my situation? I tell her that I don't want any more phonecalls, and I head for the door. With steam rising from the top of my head, I storm towards the doors, wanting to just put this entire episode behind me.

As I'm heading for the door, I hear someone yell "Sir, sir." I turn around, and there is Bill, holding the item that I have been searching for over his head. A tear actually forms in my eye, and Bill and I run towards each other like two long lost lovers. We embrace, and after he hands me my item, we make glorious love in the middle of aisle 12.

Ok, not really. I left the store, empty handed, with a twitching eye, a bitter taste, and one hell of a fuckin' story.

Lowe's, I would love to be able to tell you that I will never shop in your store again, but I know that I will. I would love to tell you that this was an isolated incident, but I know that it is not. All I can beg of you is to please lock the paint chips behind some sort of protective cage, you souless, uncaring, inempt bastards.

Wishing you and your families the warmest of holiday wishes,